Monday, December 01, 2014

New and Improved Ending for Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet: The language is a little archaic, a little flowery.  That William Shakespeare.  He tried, all right?  Romeo and Juliet has endured for over 400 years, but it's got a major story problem.

We pick up with the new and improved, shorter ending in Act V, Scene III, right after the death of Paris.

In this version, Juliet starts to wake up a little quicker, to move things along.

Scene III. Verona. A churchyard; in it the monument of the Capulets.

  Romeo: In faith, I will. Let me peruse this face.
    Mercutio's kinsman, noble County Paris!
    What said my man when my betossed soul
    Did not attend him as we rode? I think
    He told me Paris should have married Juliet.
    Said he not so? or did I dream it so?
    Or am I mad, hearing him talk of Juliet
    To think it was so? O, give me thy hand,
    One writ with me in sour misfortune's book!
    I'll bury thee in a triumphant grave.
    A grave? O, no, a lanthorn, slaught'red youth,
    For here lies Juliet, and her beauty makes
    This vault a feasting presence full of light.
    Death, lie thou there, by a dead man interr'd.
                                         [Lays him in the tomb.]

[Juliet begins to stir]

   Romeo: Yon nymph, Juliet, she looketh hot whilst yet she sleepeth.

[He admires her approvingly as she wakes.]
   Juliet:  Wha... wha happened?

   Romeo!  Romeo!  Therefore art thou, Romeo!

[Romeo kneels to the ground and pulls out a ring.]

   Romeo: Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone.
   I love you, and that's all I really know.
   I talked to your dad – go pick out a white dress
   It's a love story, baby, just say, 'Yes.'

   Juliet: Yeseth!  Oh, yeseth!  Verily!

Enter Friar [Laurence], with lanthorn, crow, and spade.

  Friar. Saint Francis be my speed! how oft to-night
    Have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?

  Bal. Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well.

  Friar. Bliss be upon you! Tell me, good my friend,
    What torch is yond that vainly lends his light
    To grubs and eyeless skulls? As I discern,
    It burneth in the Capels' monument.

  Bal. It doth so, holy sir; and there's my master,
    One that you love.

  Friar. Who is it?

  Bal. Romeo.

  Friar. How long hath he been there?

  Bal. Full half an hour.

  Friar. Go with me to the vault.

  Bal. I dare not, sir.
    My master knows not but I am gone hence,
    And fearfully did menace me with death
    If I did stay to look on his intents.

  Friar. Stay then; I'll go alone. Fear comes upon me.
    O, much I fear some ill unthrifty thing.

  Bal. As I did sleep under this yew tree here,
    I dreamt my master and another fought,
    And that my master slew him.


[He walks in on Romeo and Juliet making out, in a wholesome manner
appropriate for two 15-year-old kids.]

  Friar.  Romeo!  Juliet!

  Romeo and Juliet [in unison]:  We're getting married!  It's a happy ending!
                                                   [Exeunt omnes.]

End of the New and Improved Ending of Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare

There!  Now teenage boys across America won't freak out when their girlfriends play Taylor Swift's "Love Story"50 kabillion times a day!