Thursday, December 18, 2014

Inside the "HELLO MY NAME IS Blaise Faint Dyson Piece"

SIDE for UNTITLED PROJECT (The Dyson Piece Address)

[LOCATION: We are in space on a Dyson Piece -- we don't need a whole Dyson Sphere -- this piece is bigger than the Death Star AND bigger than Earth, and has its own "natural" gravity, and comes equipped with enough Solarnite bombs to blow up the galaxy, though we would never use them.

BLAISE FAINT is addressing legions of semi-robotic nanite-enhanced space metaclones.  These legions of valiant warriors wear a standard uniform of space sweatpants, tight space t-shirts (to show off our six-pack abs) and invisible space forcefields that expand as needed and provide plenty of breathable atmosphere when called for.  In addition, each space clone has his own replicatin' teleportin' space backpack.  These backpacks are mindcontrolled.  If a space clone needs a ham sandwich, he thinks "ham sandwich" and reaches into the space backpack to pull out a ham sandwich.  Anything you need is available, from a toothpick to a warp-capable spaceship.  Anything you pull out can go back in to be placed in universe-adjacent storage.  In an emergency situation, the space clone can climb inside the backpack and teleport to safety.  Luckily, backup space backpacks are available inside each original space backpack.

The different space clones each have different superpowers, depending on personal preference.  These superpowers include flight, vision, hearing, strength, and whatever else the plot requires, and can come in different combinations.]

BLAISE FAINT [wearing a "HELLO MY NAME IS [Actor's Name] Portraying Blaise Faint" Name Badge]: I'm just lettin' all of me -- that's us -- know that we're winding down our operation to conquer the multiverse.  It turns out that each time we conquer one universe, another universe that we haven't yet conquered pops up as a result of quantum mechanics.  We're not only just making more work for ourselves, we've worked out that if we keep at it long enough, eventually one of those alternate universes will be powerful enough to CONQUER US.  So for now, we're just gonna lay low and see if we can invent a "Conquering-Us-Universe Inhibitor" before we really step in it.
SPACE CLONE #6903 [wearing a "HELLO MY NAME IS [Actor's Name] Portraying SPACE CLONE #6903" Name Badge]:  "Conquering-Us-Universe Inhibitor" -- I get what it does, but why do we call it that?
BLAISE FAINT:  I invented it so I get to name it.
SPACE CLONE #6903: I thought you just said it hasn't been invented yet...
BLAISE FAINT: Geez, Louise... there's one in every crowd, ain't there?  I invented THE IDEA of it, so I get to name the IDEA.  We're gonna be here all day if you question every little thing that comes out of my piehole!  Do you have any idea just how long a SPACE DAY is?!
MULTIPLE SPACE CLONES [in unison]: Pipe down #6903!  Let Prime speak!
SPACE CLONE #6903 (sheepish):  Sorry.
BLAISE FAINT: Now if I may continue, without too many interruptions.  We're still working on the green sex slaves.  We've been having a problem of the newer models toppin' from the bottom.  It turns out that when a green sex slave comes out as awesome as we all want her to be, well, we get awfully fond of her.  We're working with pairing multiple green sex slaves with each space clone so they're too busy fightin' amongst themselves to outdo US.  Anywhere from 7 to 10 per may wind up being the perfect number, except...
SPACE CLONE #6903: [starts to mouth, "Why not 11?" but thinks better of the idea from the look on BLAISE FAINT's face]
BLAISE FAINT: We're finding unintended consequences.  It turns out that if we go the multiples route, within 3 generations the population of our descendants will be far greater than the population of planet Earth within all of space time.  We'd need AT LEAST 3 COMPLETE DYSON SPHERES in no time, and we just don't think that's sustainable.
BLAISE FAINT: Along those lines, we're thinking of putting about half of the space clones in suspended animation, just to keep the population growth in check.
[Eyeballs SPACE CLONE #6903...]
BLAISE FAINT: Matter of fact, all odd-numbered Space Clones please report to the space hypersleep chambers for suspended animation...
SPACE CLONE #6903 [feeling singled out]: Now wait a doggone space-minute!  All of us are semi-robotic nanite-enhanced space metaclones of YOU!  As such, we're all perfect specimens of the next step of humanity.  It just don't seem right to be puttin' ANY of US into suspended animation.
BLAISE FAINT: Look, I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "Too much of a great thing ain't such a great thing..."  I'm not saying it's fair, I just try to be realistic.
We are now accepting auditions for this Untitled Project (current working title: The Blaise Faint Story: Hello, My Name Is Blaise Faint and This Here Is the Movie of My Life).

Just record yourself performing the above side and post it to YouTube.  #BlaiseFaintMovieAudition #DysonPiece

WARNING: We'll only take you seriously if you're wearing an appropriate "HELLO MY NAME IS" badge.  Don't call us, we'll call you.