BLAISE FAINT: I've just been thinking that when they make the movie of my life, I'm not going to do one of those "play yourself" deals. As I've already told you, I cannot perform.
[These here words in the brackets are ACTING DIRECTIONS. Don't say them out loud, just kinda let them GUIDE your performance. Try to look contemplative. You're THINKING here.]
BLAISE FAINT: Don't worry, ladies -- I can perform in bed. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm referring to "sing, dance, act, play a musical instrument perform" not "make you glad you're a woman perform." I got ya covered, there.
[Okay, here, right after you say "I got ya covered, there" (NO -- DON'T SAY IT AGAIN!) you want to wink and smile real big.]
BLAISE FAINT: See if Ryan Gosling is available. He's a young guy, probably looks up to me. He'll maybe show up for work on time and try to do a real good job.
[Now what we're going for here is COOL. James Dean is our first choice for the role, but given that he's DEAD, we're all hoping, fingers crossed, that Ryan Gosling will really STEP UP and give the best performance of his career.]
BLAISE FAINT: But, even though I have tremendous respect for Samuel L. Jackson, I don't think he should play me in the movie of my life -- he's just too old.
[What we're looking for here is what they call "conflicting emotions." Everybody in the whole wide world respects the hell out of Samuel L. Jackson, but dang it...]
BLAISE FAINT: I don't think they should let Taylor Swift play me, either. I honestly don't believe she has the experience as an actor to pull it off. Maybe one day she'll change my mind -- she still hasn't found the right part just yet.
[Now here we're trying to be supportive of Taylor Swift. She's not there yet, but if she keeps plugging away, maybe one day... We're looking for what they call "verisimilitude" (you can Google it). This could be the moment that wins you an Oscar so be sure and throw some heavy-duting ACTING BUSINESS in here. Wave your arms around. Work your face muscles. Try it both ways: with JAZZ HANDS and without JAZZ HANDS.]
BLAISE FAINT: I'm not saying it's fair, I just try to be realistic.
BLAISE FAINT: Whoever they get should wear one of those "HELLO MY NAME IS" badges. It'll be a lot less confusing for the audience that way. Trust me, I know -- I've got plenty of "being in the audience" experience. I should add that to my resume!
BLAISE FAINT: The badge should read, "HELLO MY NAME IS [Actor's Name] Portraying Blaise Faint."
BLAISE FAINT: I just gave you a great idea for a very inexpensive Halloween costume there, especially if you're an up and coming young buck trying to make a name for yourself in Hollywood, or a down and out former star looking for ways to come back. I call it the "HELLO MY NAME IS Blaise Faint Halloween Costume." I invented it so I get to name it.
[Here's where we're doing what's called "breaking the fourth wall" like Ferris did in HELLO MY NAME IS Ferris Bueller. Look directly into the camera and confide with the "audience." What you want to do here is build rapport.]
This is your chance to audition for "UNTITLED PROJECT" (which is just the working title). We're looking at The Blaise Faint Story or HELLO MY NAME IS Blaise Faint and This Here Is The Movie of My Life.
We're also thinking The Blaise Faint Story: HELLO MY NAME IS Blaise Faint and This Here Is The Movie of My Life, and we've got some other titles kicking around.
What you can do is make a video of yourself performing this here "side" and throw it up on YouTube. #TaylorSpliffed #BlaiseFaintMovieAudition
IF you do a real good job, before too long those Hollywood fellers will come along and back the money truck up to your house. WARNING: We'll only take you seriously if you're wearing a HELLO MY NAME IS name badge. Don't call us, we'll call you.
"Stump Them All" (abandoned)
I like the way your hair is a-dorning
It's like a lawnmower struck you without a warning
I realize your game is to astound
The sheep in the herd.
I like the way no one can focus
The way you talk, people don't know this
They hear your words but all they can think is
Whatever, whatever what
What did she say?
Whoa, oh, I'm reeling for you, mama
Don't be afraid to
Stump them all
Stump them all for me
Be bold, they can't believe you
Say that you wanna join the zoo
You're random through it all!